LXG UNVEIL NEW HOME KIT:

MATCH RATINGS

LXG's very own Danson tells it like it is in his post match verdict:

Postman Pat – delivered in spades, with any number of last ditch tackles. Even took an elbow to the head for the cause. The baker (he changed his job

 mid-paragraph) cooking himself up an excellent 7

Jama – a tour de force down the right flank, occasionally using his shades to

 good effect to dazzle the opposition winger off the floodlights. Had he worn a Michael Jackson style white glove, he could have gone up to .08 higher, but alas will have to settle for a paltry 7

Ciaran – calm, collected, from Cork,and called Ciaran. Played in goal, centre-back and even  midfield, his versatility earning him an impressive 7

Danny – imperious at the back, bringing back memories of Alan Kernaghan in his pomp. Modesty prevents him from going any higher than a B-. Or 7

Scotty – unlike his SS Enterprise namesake, there were no ‘Klingons on his starboard bow’. Nor was he ‘beamed up’, or start looking up Uhuru’s skirt when he should have been concentrating on the game. And thus comes in with a more than respectable 7

Mucker – the former egg bother and stick fighter showed he can actually play a bit of proper football too. People who say he has two left feet were proved spectacularly wrong (he only has one, unfortunately. His right one’s not worth a shite). Two goals and an all round man of the match display 7.1

Javi – more Xabi Alonso than Cesc Fabregas on this occasion. So as a non-Liverpool fan, I couldn’t give him more than a 7

Gary – like Custer, or something, turned up late then proceeded to boss the midfield in a manner befitting a whopping 7

Paul – despite struggling for 15 minutes with the concept that right is not, in fact, left, went on to have a powerhouse display, even bagging a goal into the bargain. All in all, a performance deserving of an impressive 7

Triffy - Although the gamble of playing on roller ska

tes backfired somewhat, he would nonetheless prove to be our most creative outlet - when he could stay on his feet. Has promised to wear traditional footwear next time, which would see his score go up by as much as .1. As it is, a thoroughly deserving 7.

Jim P – lots or running, even up against defenders he swore were Slovakian internationals on a work exchange at Supervalu Tramore. Probably would have scored were it not for the vagaries of the opposition’s off-side laws. Can only mean a 7

MATCH REPORT : SUPERVALUE CHALLENGE

Much anticiapted fixture descends into farce after

Supervalue Select XI reject association rules

in desperate attempt to win at any cost.

Artists impression of football in the olden days

Those anticiapting a game of football played to association rules were last night left dumbfounded after the local supermarket team 'won' in the most dubious of circumstances.Sporting their usual pink kit, and wearing studs & shinguards, a rag-tag team of butchers, bakers & associated retail trades wasted no time bastardising the time honoured rules of the beautiful game.

Starting one man down , LXG (League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) found themselves on the back foot, against a team who thought nothing of goalhanging, residing so far off-side they'd need a train to get them back on.In contrast,LXG, whose every move & motive preconified the advancement of our beautiful game, respected the rules & remained on-side for the duration of the match.The integrity & commitment of thier front line shone like something very shiny indeed , and contrasted starkly with the fuckology & utter dishonesty of their intensely unlikeable opponents.

SEPP BALTTER:

"These Supervalue guys - they ruining the beautiful game. Iffa they don'ta play offside - they canna fuck off!"

" I thank God everyday that there are people like these 'Extraordinary Gentlemen' who uphold & protect the association rules. These other guys - they should be shot with balls of their own shitta!"

It is a source of perpetual wonder how, when faced with the constant & downright over-the-top physical attacks (elbows & studs mostly) - LXG's keeper & front line retained composure and refused to engage with the WWF wannabe's.

GHANDI - YESTERDAY:

"I'm peaceful man -

but even I wanna slap those c*nts"

But for all of their cheating & attempts at physical intimidation, the game was not as one sided as it could have been. After initially going 4 goals up without reply, the not-so-fabulous "Baker Boys" shot their load and within 30 minutes looked like a spent force.

And so the stage was set for a rolicking final half an hour.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man.

Captain Triff decided enough was enough. Enough of the pushing in the back, enough of the elbows in the face, enough of their shitty - 'A la Carte' rules.

Grabbing the game by the scruff of the neck - he dropped deep, and exploited the cavernous gap between their visibly knackered back line and midfield. Within 20 minutes his efforts had helped bring his team to within striking distance of victory, and in so doing exposed as premature any suggestion of his retirement.

Their defence dismantled, and their spirit broken they were there for the taking. But with only minutes remaining on the clock, Supervalue resorted to desperate measures, and in a move of last resort kicked all the remaining balls over the fence.

Weather they would have been beaten had they decided not to blow up is a moot point. In truth, to win with such dishonesty and with such blatent disregard for the spirit of the game is no victory at all.

ANGRY MOB DESCENDS ON SUPERVALUE IN PUBLIC SHOW OF CONTEMPT.

"From now on we'll do our shopping elsewhere" Someone said. "Wank*rs!" Fr. Delaney added.

Denis Walsh to re-open his grocery shop in show of solidarity.

SUPERVALUE CHALLENGE

9pm Kingfisher : Outdoors

Supervalue Select XI

v

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Select XI

EXCITEMENT BUILDS AHEAD OF TONIGHTS CHALLENGE MATCH

Artists impression of lovely girl footballers.

Final run-out last thursday results in no injuries.
Competition for places fierce, as manager left with dream team options.

LiDL in last minute move to secure sponsorship.€15 euro worth of meat vouchers up for grabs in winner-take all contest.

Challenge match upgraded to full scale testimonial as Catain Triff brings curtain down on impressive carreer, on foot of medical advice from his vet.

There have been confirmed reports that the match has been upgraded to a full-on testimonial. News broke late last week that the game will see Nicky Mc don the high-viz orange of his childhood team one last time - ending a career that goes back almost 80 years .

Official Statement from Capt. Triff's vet:

"The weight of expectation on his shoulders to deliver silverware over prolonged periods of time has resulted in severe compression of the lower lumbar vertebra - affecting his ability to think straight. Also, his knees are fucked. Why not see for yourself and look these photos taken in my surgery only last week"

Recently leaked medical images, clearly show Capt. Triffs knackered body.


All proceeds from tonights match are to be donated to local legends, Fad Maher & Paddy Dunne to help towards new duffel coats, and 20 benson each.

FULL SQUAD:
Danny
Nicky
Paul
Pat
Micheal
Javi
Shane
Jim H
Gary C
Gary
Scotty
Ciaran
Jimmy P