BOMBSHELL!

DANSON RESIGNS

People of Tramore 'In Bits'

after local legend calls it a day.

The football world is this weekend reeling following the shock announcement that the League of Extraordinary Genlemens' captain , Danson, is to step down after playing only one match of the new season.

The news broke within minutes of the midweek loss to local fuckwits WIT select XI. From a hastily arranged press conference in the back of Pats van, it emerged that Danson was standing aside, brining the curtain down on the most

memorable captaincy in the clubs history.

A big book of respect or something was opened in Sadies yesterday, & loads of people wrote some things in it and stuff.

Local dignateries were quick to heap praise on the erstwhile skipper with Blaize Hannigan saying things like "F*ck me" and "Jaysus - I didn't see that coming".

We bring you the one page press release that has stunned the fans....

It is with regret that I have decided to resign my position as captain of LXG. Last night’s unfortunate result, and the fans angry reaction, made up my mind that it was time to give someone else a go. The fans abuse

was especially hard to take. Being called, and I quote, ‘a fat bald cunt

with shit between your ears’, would be hard for anyone to take. When it’s chanted by 30,000 supporters it’s that much harder.

HOWEVER, I believe I leave LXG in far better shape than when I inherited it from John ‘Budgie-empiiiiirrrrre-category A’ Griffiths. I will remain a loyal servant to whoever takes on the mantle of captaincy, and am confident that we will turn the corner and start winning again very soon. Or at least within George ‘Banksy’ Banks’ lifetime.

I hope that the new incumbent will receive support from the board. My repeated requests for funds to acquire a new keeper were consistently ignored, the folly of which was exposed all to clearly on Wednesday night.I would like to finish by thanking the players for all their support and for always giving 110%.

There were tears in the dressing room when I told them of my decision, particularly from Pat ‘the postman’ Garvey, who blubbed like a baby and begged me to remain on and be his mentor. He also told he loved and idolised me, and thinks I’m a wonderful chap altogether.

However my decision is final, and I am now passing on the captain’s armband. In the words of the great Frank Bruno, ‘six baboons’. I think that says it all. - Danson

All efforts now turn to the search for a new captain with an announcement expected sometime after the knees-up in John Moloneys house next weekend. With nobody counting themselves in or out this early in the race, word on the street has it that the smart money is on yer man from Waterford - you know - the guy with the shorts - whathisname - small guy - bit of a twitch - f*ck it - won't come to me.

Above: The moment the world stood still: The news came as a shock to many. Grown men were crying openly in the streets.

One thing for sure, with Danson leading his team to an impressive one win this year, whoever follows sure has one big pair of boots to fill. No seriously - his feet were huge.

Above Left: Artists impression of a pair of boots something like wot Danson used to wear.

Above Right: The pope bawling after hearing the terrible news on the radio at mass yesterday.

Judgement Day:

"We'll baffle them with regular substitutions and the fluidity of our tactical changes."

Manager, LXG

With the mouthwatering prospect of next weeks 90 minute humdinger fast approaching, LXG's Manager takes a few minutes to ponder the options. We take you inside their state of the art training facilites to bring you the low down on next weeks crunch tie.

"With a full squad, it's imperitive all those who turn up get a run out", says he thoughtfully.

"But last one there is goalie" he quickly adds.

We need a solid & honest back line - our attack starts with our defence.

Javi in the hole just in front - he can break & has great 'soakage'

Midfield is critical - some big lads in there who can win the ball & bring it on.

Wingers with legs - preferably 2 each.

Front line of tall lads to hold it up - unlock & smash through defences - support from midfield.

"Every man should get a free role to express himself & everyone else should give 110%,let the ball do the work,use the flanks,put em under pressure,get round the back & play with a smile on their face."

Director of Football, LXG

01Pat

02Jama 03Danny 05Paul/Scotty

04Javi

06Ciaran/Soon 07Bobby 08Damo 09Jim P/Richy

10Micheal 11Nicky

LXG REVEAL NEW SQUAD
as pre-season draws to a close.

Reports are emerging tonight that LXG have completed pre-season training and announced thier squad for the much anticipated up & coming grudge match with a W.I.T. select XI.

As our exclusive picture (above) can reveal , the squad has emerged from a gruelling winter of thursday night kick-abouts looking mean, fit & dapper. Sporting the clubs legendry strip, these black & white gents are well prepared for the 'Old Firm' match with local poindexters. Last seasons game between these 2 saw LXG run out worhty winners & deliver a footballing masterclass to a shell-shocked student team.

With a full squad of 17 players and rising, management are left with the headache of selection, but a strong team spirit & competition for places bodes well for next weeks crucial tie.

Plans are well underway for the victory celebrations already, with insiders revealing " They'vegiven the go-ahead for the emtying of the clubs coffers for about a dozen steaks, a bag of cocktail sausages and a couple of slabs of beer". Unconfirmed reports have suggested that the team are to take an open-top bus from Kilbarry dump to '2 Jackets' gaff, for one ding-dong of a hoolie some time next week.

Artists impression of victory celebrations & post match banquet anticipated next week.