BOMBSHELL!

DANSON RESIGNS

People of Tramore 'In Bits'

after local legend calls it a day.

The football world is this weekend reeling following the shock announcement that the League of Extraordinary Genlemens' captain , Danson, is to step down after playing only one match of the new season.

The news broke within minutes of the midweek loss to local fuckwits WIT select XI. From a hastily arranged press conference in the back of Pats van, it emerged that Danson was standing aside, brining the curtain down on the most

memorable captaincy in the clubs history.

A big book of respect or something was opened in Sadies yesterday, & loads of people wrote some things in it and stuff.

Local dignateries were quick to heap praise on the erstwhile skipper with Blaize Hannigan saying things like "F*ck me" and "Jaysus - I didn't see that coming".

We bring you the one page press release that has stunned the fans....

It is with regret that I have decided to resign my position as captain of LXG. Last night’s unfortunate result, and the fans angry reaction, made up my mind that it was time to give someone else a go. The fans abuse

was especially hard to take. Being called, and I quote, ‘a fat bald cunt

with shit between your ears’, would be hard for anyone to take. When it’s chanted by 30,000 supporters it’s that much harder.

HOWEVER, I believe I leave LXG in far better shape than when I inherited it from John ‘Budgie-empiiiiirrrrre-category A’ Griffiths. I will remain a loyal servant to whoever takes on the mantle of captaincy, and am confident that we will turn the corner and start winning again very soon. Or at least within George ‘Banksy’ Banks’ lifetime.

I hope that the new incumbent will receive support from the board. My repeated requests for funds to acquire a new keeper were consistently ignored, the folly of which was exposed all to clearly on Wednesday night.I would like to finish by thanking the players for all their support and for always giving 110%.

There were tears in the dressing room when I told them of my decision, particularly from Pat ‘the postman’ Garvey, who blubbed like a baby and begged me to remain on and be his mentor. He also told he loved and idolised me, and thinks I’m a wonderful chap altogether.

However my decision is final, and I am now passing on the captain’s armband. In the words of the great Frank Bruno, ‘six baboons’. I think that says it all. - Danson

All efforts now turn to the search for a new captain with an announcement expected sometime after the knees-up in John Moloneys house next weekend. With nobody counting themselves in or out this early in the race, word on the street has it that the smart money is on yer man from Waterford - you know - the guy with the shorts - whathisname - small guy - bit of a twitch - f*ck it - won't come to me.

Above: The moment the world stood still: The news came as a shock to many. Grown men were crying openly in the streets.

One thing for sure, with Danson leading his team to an impressive one win this year, whoever follows sure has one big pair of boots to fill. No seriously - his feet were huge.

Above Left: Artists impression of a pair of boots something like wot Danson used to wear.

Above Right: The pope bawling after hearing the terrible news on the radio at mass yesterday.