PLAYER PROFILE

JAVI

ACCEPTS CAPTAINS ARMBAND

Installation of first international manager ushers in new era for LXG.

With the dust from the recent shock resignation of Danson finally settling, it's back to business this week with the appointment of LXG's very own Spainish Matador - Javier -as new capatain, for a while anyway.

Born and reared in the attic of the famous 'Sagrada Familia' Cathedral in Barcelona by the secret son of Julio Iglesias, the young Catalan was spotted by a LXG scout practising his dribbling skills by ducking between cars on The Ramblas. Plucked from obscurity he was enrolled in the Junior Academy of LXG (JAX for short) - before finally graduating to first team football at the age of 31, or something.

Above: Javi's Barcelona Pad, Julio Igleseas & some spainish totty.

Having gained his reputation as a bit of a ladies man for ladies, this man's man's legendary ball control has seen him make the Number 10 shirt his own - due in the main to the international patent he actually has on the number '10', but also because he paid Jama 15 notes for a shit quality T-shirt with a crap No 10 on the back (ED: My T-Shirt is fucking worse!). A shrewd bussiness acumen and balls like John Waynes sadllebags, means that when he's not working or playing football, he's probably doing something else, or working.

The decision by the lads who turn up on time on Thursdays to pick a Spainish captain is seen by most commentators as a conservative one. Sources close to LXG sources, have intonated that a move for the Corkman known only as 'Kieran' was a bridge to far- what with his foregin accent, his copy-cat player boycotts/walkouts and his exotic diet of Clonakilty Pudding in Blaas.

While currently unavailable for comment & holidaying in Spain, Javier, or Javi for short, or J to his friends,or Javier as he prefers, has promised to bring to LXG to the next level, or as one local fan said "Any level really".

Any level indeed.

Above : Javi Holidaying in Spain yesterday.

The young Catalan captain faces a tough task rebuilding morale after recent heavy defeats, but with a promise of new matador britches as bonus for future wins, LXG have all the motivation they need to secure vital points against upcoming opponents WRH Doctors. The fixture, whose date will be confirmed as soon as the new Captain decides to come back and organise the f*cking thing, will be the first serious test for the Iberian.

A few of my favourite things.....

Javi is known to have a weakness for Paella ( left) and Matador Britches ( Below Right), but rumours of enjoying both simultaneously remain unconfirmed.

Imagined if the Paella spilled all over his new strides - I'd bet he'd curse really loudly in Spainish.

He'd only have himself to blame - I mean - Why would you eat a big bowl of wet rice and seafood on your lap knowing that you had your best britches on? F*ckin stupid if you ask me.

Only asking for trouble.

Below : A famous girl from somewhere in Spain

BOMBSHELL!

DANSON RESIGNS

People of Tramore 'In Bits'

after local legend calls it a day.

The football world is this weekend reeling following the shock announcement that the League of Extraordinary Genlemens' captain , Danson, is to step down after playing only one match of the new season.

The news broke within minutes of the midweek loss to local fuckwits WIT select XI. From a hastily arranged press conference in the back of Pats van, it emerged that Danson was standing aside, brining the curtain down on the most

memorable captaincy in the clubs history.

A big book of respect or something was opened in Sadies yesterday, & loads of people wrote some things in it and stuff.

Local dignateries were quick to heap praise on the erstwhile skipper with Blaize Hannigan saying things like "F*ck me" and "Jaysus - I didn't see that coming".

We bring you the one page press release that has stunned the fans....

It is with regret that I have decided to resign my position as captain of LXG. Last night’s unfortunate result, and the fans angry reaction, made up my mind that it was time to give someone else a go. The fans abuse

was especially hard to take. Being called, and I quote, ‘a fat bald cunt

with shit between your ears’, would be hard for anyone to take. When it’s chanted by 30,000 supporters it’s that much harder.

HOWEVER, I believe I leave LXG in far better shape than when I inherited it from John ‘Budgie-empiiiiirrrrre-category A’ Griffiths. I will remain a loyal servant to whoever takes on the mantle of captaincy, and am confident that we will turn the corner and start winning again very soon. Or at least within George ‘Banksy’ Banks’ lifetime.

I hope that the new incumbent will receive support from the board. My repeated requests for funds to acquire a new keeper were consistently ignored, the folly of which was exposed all to clearly on Wednesday night.I would like to finish by thanking the players for all their support and for always giving 110%.

There were tears in the dressing room when I told them of my decision, particularly from Pat ‘the postman’ Garvey, who blubbed like a baby and begged me to remain on and be his mentor. He also told he loved and idolised me, and thinks I’m a wonderful chap altogether.

However my decision is final, and I am now passing on the captain’s armband. In the words of the great Frank Bruno, ‘six baboons’. I think that says it all. - Danson

All efforts now turn to the search for a new captain with an announcement expected sometime after the knees-up in John Moloneys house next weekend. With nobody counting themselves in or out this early in the race, word on the street has it that the smart money is on yer man from Waterford - you know - the guy with the shorts - whathisname - small guy - bit of a twitch - f*ck it - won't come to me.

Above: The moment the world stood still: The news came as a shock to many. Grown men were crying openly in the streets.

One thing for sure, with Danson leading his team to an impressive one win this year, whoever follows sure has one big pair of boots to fill. No seriously - his feet were huge.

Above Left: Artists impression of a pair of boots something like wot Danson used to wear.

Above Right: The pope bawling after hearing the terrible news on the radio at mass yesterday.

Judgement Day:

"We'll baffle them with regular substitutions and the fluidity of our tactical changes."

Manager, LXG

With the mouthwatering prospect of next weeks 90 minute humdinger fast approaching, LXG's Manager takes a few minutes to ponder the options. We take you inside their state of the art training facilites to bring you the low down on next weeks crunch tie.

"With a full squad, it's imperitive all those who turn up get a run out", says he thoughtfully.

"But last one there is goalie" he quickly adds.

We need a solid & honest back line - our attack starts with our defence.

Javi in the hole just in front - he can break & has great 'soakage'

Midfield is critical - some big lads in there who can win the ball & bring it on.

Wingers with legs - preferably 2 each.

Front line of tall lads to hold it up - unlock & smash through defences - support from midfield.

"Every man should get a free role to express himself & everyone else should give 110%,let the ball do the work,use the flanks,put em under pressure,get round the back & play with a smile on their face."

Director of Football, LXG

01Pat

02Jama 03Danny 05Paul/Scotty

04Javi

06Ciaran/Soon 07Bobby 08Damo 09Jim P/Richy

10Micheal 11Nicky

LXG REVEAL NEW SQUAD
as pre-season draws to a close.

Reports are emerging tonight that LXG have completed pre-season training and announced thier squad for the much anticipated up & coming grudge match with a W.I.T. select XI.

As our exclusive picture (above) can reveal , the squad has emerged from a gruelling winter of thursday night kick-abouts looking mean, fit & dapper. Sporting the clubs legendry strip, these black & white gents are well prepared for the 'Old Firm' match with local poindexters. Last seasons game between these 2 saw LXG run out worhty winners & deliver a footballing masterclass to a shell-shocked student team.

With a full squad of 17 players and rising, management are left with the headache of selection, but a strong team spirit & competition for places bodes well for next weeks crucial tie.

Plans are well underway for the victory celebrations already, with insiders revealing " They'vegiven the go-ahead for the emtying of the clubs coffers for about a dozen steaks, a bag of cocktail sausages and a couple of slabs of beer". Unconfirmed reports have suggested that the team are to take an open-top bus from Kilbarry dump to '2 Jackets' gaff, for one ding-dong of a hoolie some time next week.

Artists impression of victory celebrations & post match banquet anticipated next week.

LXG UNVEIL NEW HOME KIT:

MATCH RATINGS

LXG's very own Danson tells it like it is in his post match verdict:

Postman Pat – delivered in spades, with any number of last ditch tackles. Even took an elbow to the head for the cause. The baker (he changed his job

 mid-paragraph) cooking himself up an excellent 7

Jama – a tour de force down the right flank, occasionally using his shades to

 good effect to dazzle the opposition winger off the floodlights. Had he worn a Michael Jackson style white glove, he could have gone up to .08 higher, but alas will have to settle for a paltry 7

Ciaran – calm, collected, from Cork,and called Ciaran. Played in goal, centre-back and even  midfield, his versatility earning him an impressive 7

Danny – imperious at the back, bringing back memories of Alan Kernaghan in his pomp. Modesty prevents him from going any higher than a B-. Or 7

Scotty – unlike his SS Enterprise namesake, there were no ‘Klingons on his starboard bow’. Nor was he ‘beamed up’, or start looking up Uhuru’s skirt when he should have been concentrating on the game. And thus comes in with a more than respectable 7

Mucker – the former egg bother and stick fighter showed he can actually play a bit of proper football too. People who say he has two left feet were proved spectacularly wrong (he only has one, unfortunately. His right one’s not worth a shite). Two goals and an all round man of the match display 7.1

Javi – more Xabi Alonso than Cesc Fabregas on this occasion. So as a non-Liverpool fan, I couldn’t give him more than a 7

Gary – like Custer, or something, turned up late then proceeded to boss the midfield in a manner befitting a whopping 7

Paul – despite struggling for 15 minutes with the concept that right is not, in fact, left, went on to have a powerhouse display, even bagging a goal into the bargain. All in all, a performance deserving of an impressive 7

Triffy - Although the gamble of playing on roller ska

tes backfired somewhat, he would nonetheless prove to be our most creative outlet - when he could stay on his feet. Has promised to wear traditional footwear next time, which would see his score go up by as much as .1. As it is, a thoroughly deserving 7.

Jim P – lots or running, even up against defenders he swore were Slovakian internationals on a work exchange at Supervalu Tramore. Probably would have scored were it not for the vagaries of the opposition’s off-side laws. Can only mean a 7

MATCH REPORT : SUPERVALUE CHALLENGE

Much anticiapted fixture descends into farce after

Supervalue Select XI reject association rules

in desperate attempt to win at any cost.

Artists impression of football in the olden days

Those anticiapting a game of football played to association rules were last night left dumbfounded after the local supermarket team 'won' in the most dubious of circumstances.Sporting their usual pink kit, and wearing studs & shinguards, a rag-tag team of butchers, bakers & associated retail trades wasted no time bastardising the time honoured rules of the beautiful game.

Starting one man down , LXG (League of Extraordinary Gentlemen) found themselves on the back foot, against a team who thought nothing of goalhanging, residing so far off-side they'd need a train to get them back on.In contrast,LXG, whose every move & motive preconified the advancement of our beautiful game, respected the rules & remained on-side for the duration of the match.The integrity & commitment of thier front line shone like something very shiny indeed , and contrasted starkly with the fuckology & utter dishonesty of their intensely unlikeable opponents.

SEPP BALTTER:

"These Supervalue guys - they ruining the beautiful game. Iffa they don'ta play offside - they canna fuck off!"

" I thank God everyday that there are people like these 'Extraordinary Gentlemen' who uphold & protect the association rules. These other guys - they should be shot with balls of their own shitta!"

It is a source of perpetual wonder how, when faced with the constant & downright over-the-top physical attacks (elbows & studs mostly) - LXG's keeper & front line retained composure and refused to engage with the WWF wannabe's.

GHANDI - YESTERDAY:

"I'm peaceful man -

but even I wanna slap those c*nts"

But for all of their cheating & attempts at physical intimidation, the game was not as one sided as it could have been. After initially going 4 goals up without reply, the not-so-fabulous "Baker Boys" shot their load and within 30 minutes looked like a spent force.

And so the stage was set for a rolicking final half an hour.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man.

Captain Triff decided enough was enough. Enough of the pushing in the back, enough of the elbows in the face, enough of their shitty - 'A la Carte' rules.

Grabbing the game by the scruff of the neck - he dropped deep, and exploited the cavernous gap between their visibly knackered back line and midfield. Within 20 minutes his efforts had helped bring his team to within striking distance of victory, and in so doing exposed as premature any suggestion of his retirement.

Their defence dismantled, and their spirit broken they were there for the taking. But with only minutes remaining on the clock, Supervalue resorted to desperate measures, and in a move of last resort kicked all the remaining balls over the fence.

Weather they would have been beaten had they decided not to blow up is a moot point. In truth, to win with such dishonesty and with such blatent disregard for the spirit of the game is no victory at all.

ANGRY MOB DESCENDS ON SUPERVALUE IN PUBLIC SHOW OF CONTEMPT.

"From now on we'll do our shopping elsewhere" Someone said. "Wank*rs!" Fr. Delaney added.

Denis Walsh to re-open his grocery shop in show of solidarity.

SUPERVALUE CHALLENGE

9pm Kingfisher : Outdoors

Supervalue Select XI

v

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Select XI

EXCITEMENT BUILDS AHEAD OF TONIGHTS CHALLENGE MATCH

Artists impression of lovely girl footballers.

Final run-out last thursday results in no injuries.
Competition for places fierce, as manager left with dream team options.

LiDL in last minute move to secure sponsorship.€15 euro worth of meat vouchers up for grabs in winner-take all contest.

Challenge match upgraded to full scale testimonial as Catain Triff brings curtain down on impressive carreer, on foot of medical advice from his vet.

There have been confirmed reports that the match has been upgraded to a full-on testimonial. News broke late last week that the game will see Nicky Mc don the high-viz orange of his childhood team one last time - ending a career that goes back almost 80 years .

Official Statement from Capt. Triff's vet:

"The weight of expectation on his shoulders to deliver silverware over prolonged periods of time has resulted in severe compression of the lower lumbar vertebra - affecting his ability to think straight. Also, his knees are fucked. Why not see for yourself and look these photos taken in my surgery only last week"

Recently leaked medical images, clearly show Capt. Triffs knackered body.


All proceeds from tonights match are to be donated to local legends, Fad Maher & Paddy Dunne to help towards new duffel coats, and 20 benson each.

FULL SQUAD:
Danny
Nicky
Paul
Pat
Micheal
Javi
Shane
Jim H
Gary C
Gary
Scotty
Ciaran
Jimmy P

MATCH REPORT

NEW YEARS SQUAD SHAPING UP NICELY 

AS NEW SIGNING 'JETO' 

BAGS THE PROVERBIAL HATFUL

A good run out last Thursday night saw our team involved in a 25 goal thriller at their state of the art training grounds, beside Kilbarry dump.

A great turnout saw a 6 a side contest develop into a cracking game. Notable absences on he team sheet included Danson, putting to an end his incredible record run of being there nearly always.After picking up a 'knock' doing 'something' some time ago , his treatment is progressing nicely,and provided the 'swelling' goes down is expected to be available for selection next week. 

With a lively pace from the get-go, Xavi led the charge with 3 goals in as many minutes without reply, but suggestions of an ill-matched contest were soon put to rest with the unveiling of new signing Jimmy 'Jeto' Power. 

Arriving fresh from his 5 year stint in South East Asia, where he runs a lucrative franchise of orphanages - he immediately struck up an understanding with midfield generals - the Gary brothers. Scoring at will, he notched up 9 goals before the final whistle. Finishing on the winning side, only one goal seperated the 2 teams with a 12-13 final score.

New signing 'JETO'  with Fad Maher yesterday.

With high tun-outs now a regular occurance, and a couple of games in the pipeline - Supervalue Tramore & WIT Select XI , and talks of a summer tour to Majorica for a specially organised tournament - the future does indeed look bright. All's we need now is a manager, a captain, a coach, some kit and a name. We need a name. And them some t-shirts. And we need some more pictures on the blog like this.